On Loneliness

There is a weird energy around me today....it feels like a kind of barrier. Not only am I keeping thoughts, feelings and emotions at bay, but I am holding some bad feelings in with me. What happened to me overnight for me to feel like this today? If I analyse what my body is telling me I can source a feeling of emptiness....a feeling of not belonging. I feel a lack, a sensation of having no home, and no tribe. Like I am the last of my kind....whatever 'my' kind is.....

I am clipped, almost angry with those I love because I fear the pain loving them could cause me. I feel so alone....

When I was a child, I could escape into the wilderness around me for hours at a time....live wholly in my nightmare, but, like a children's adventure/fantasy, tell myself the story of my own rescue before returning to the world. As an adult I must stay in the nightmare, each day putting forward a face of ignorance....staying complicit in my own pain. How I need an escape....a friend.....a place to feel at home.....

I need healing from whatever it is that causes me to do this. I know the symptoms I even know the relief....but I do not yet know the disease.